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The Wolf-Man
Season 1, Episode 2
The Wolf-Man Title
Air date January 1 2011
Written by Dan Mandel, Chris Pearson
Directed by Bill Kopp
Episode guide
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" New Mexico"
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"The Dentist"
This is the transcript for "The Wolf-Man (episode)"

TranscriptEdit

(The episode begins with Dan sitting on his bed with his head resting on his hands.)

Dan: I can't believe how much I hate everything.

(The door knocks and Dan goes to open it)

Supermodel: Hi Dan, I just moved in next door. I'm a supermodel.

Dan: I don't care who the IRS sends I am not paying taxes.

Supermodel: (Laughs) You're cute and so clever. (She picks up Dan) If you kiss me, I'll make you pancakes.

(Dan is about to kiss the supermodel when her face turns into a monstrous figure that screams at him and he wakes up to find that he is kissing his alarm clock that is ringing.)

Dan: Oh come on! (He throws the clock across the room and slaps his face.)

Dan: Can almost taste those pancakes.

(Dan gets out of bed and slips on a pie.)

Dan: Ugh!...Arggh! Ooof!

(Dan walks out of his apartment.)

Dan: Arrrgh… No supermodel, no pancakes…pfft, reality. Why can't I wake up from this?

Dan: (Gasps) My car! Three long scratches!? Corse grey fur!? (Dan sniffs the fur, licks it and spits it out.) Pawprints!? Deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that there is only one possible culprit!

(Dan's face goes red.)

Dan: THE WOLF-MAN!!!

(Dan Vs. The Wolf-Man appears on screen)

(The scene cuts to Chris watering his tomato plant when his mobile phone rings. He looks at the caller ID to see it is from Dan.)

Dan: Pick up the phone pick up the phone pick up the phone pick up the phone! (Dan appears on the other half of the screen)  Are you screening this call? No one screens me! I will not be screened!

Chris: (Sigh), (He answers the phone) Hello?

Dan: Chris! Get over here!

Chris: Dan, I thought your quartered evaluation was today.

Dan: I am not going! I have been wronged!

Chris: Again…

Dan: I can't believe it either! I Demand vengeance!

Chris:: Who is it this time?

Dan: The worst, most devious sub-human of them all!

Chris The Mailman?

Dan: Close! The Wolf-Man!

Chris: The Wolf-Man. Like from the movies?

Dan: Like the movies, but a real one.

Chris: Uh huh

Dan: Just get over here!

Chris: Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore so…

Dan: Get over here right now!

(Dan hangs up but rings Chris again. He answers it.)

Dan: I said now!

(He hangs up.)

(Chris walks over to Elise, who is reading a book.)

Chris: Hey Elise! Do you need anything from the store?

Elise: Was that Dan on the phone?

Chris: Yeah, he says he's been wronged.

Elise: Who is it this time?

Chris: The uh…W-Wolf-man.

Elise: …

Chris: I know.

Elise: So you're going.

Chris: Well you told me you didn't want me helping Dan with his missions of vengeance anymore.

Elise: I just said you shouldn't let Dan push you around. You can go if you want.

Chris: Well in that case I'd better go Dan said to get over there right now.

Elise: (Sigh) Have fun.

Chris: Love you! (He kisses Elise

Elise: Don't do anything…(Door Slams) stupid.

(Scene cuts to Chris walking over to Dan outside his apartment.)

Dan: What took you so long?

Chris: Nice to see you too.

Dan: Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!

Chris: There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man Dan.

Dan: How could you be so naive? Look at the fur! Look at the paw prints!

(Paw prints lead to an animal shelter.)

Chris: There's an animal shelter right there.

Dan: Look.

(A sneaker print is shown.)

Chris: Those are sneaker prints.

Dan: Exactly!

Chris: Exactly what?

Dan: What wears shoes but also has paws? (He flicks through a magazine and shows Chris a picture of The Wolf-Man) The Wolf-Man!

Chris: So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.

Dan: He's an evil beast with an unsavoury blood loss. Of course he jogs!

Chris: If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?

Dan: Obviously he runs like this (He gets down on his hands and feet and runs around, making growling noises.)

Chris: He doesn't run like that in the movies.

Dan: This isn't the movies! This is real life! Stop living in a fantasy world! The Wolf-Man scratched my car and he must pay! Next month!

Chris: Why next month?

Dan: Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?

Chris: So what are we doing today?

Dan: Nothing! Go home!

(Scene cuts to Chris sitting next to Elise while reading a book.)

Elise: No revenge today?

Chris: Nah, it got pushed back to next month full moon and everything.

Elise: Makes sense, sort of.

Chris: Oh! I should have said that!

Elise: That wouldn't work. Too subtle.

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